Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
