i love accidental penises.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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