Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
