drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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