I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
