Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
3 2 1 whiskey
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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