I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
