Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
