I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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