I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i think my mom watched the whole time
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
