All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
