I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...