You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Don't tell me you're on acid again
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
