Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
she looked like the before picture.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
