She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
