I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Randomize
