Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
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