please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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