I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
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