I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
