At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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