Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
