Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
