How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize