Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
