i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
