New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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