Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
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Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
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Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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