Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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