I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
