My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
