Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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