Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
