did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
