you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize