a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
