I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
