Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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