if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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