he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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