I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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