I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
