'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
