I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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