just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
