I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
