Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
