I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
