Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
