i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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