I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
