just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
