WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You ruined the universe
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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