I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
