so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
