Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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