I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
