remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
